Between the ages of 15 and 21 I went through some extremely traumatic and rough circumstances. There were several things that happened to me and each one made me shut down just a little more. I functioned on the outside, went to school, held conversations, worked, even took care of my child but on the inside I was void. I felt then and sometimes even now like a stranger in my own skin, waking up, going through the motions of day to day existince all the while watching someone’s else’s life take place.

I know now it’s called PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) but then it was just a way of coping. If I could just float above myself, take the core of what made me, well me, and disconnect from the horrible things I was going through then I could survive. I could take people, places, things, lock them away in a filing cabinet in my brain and not think. I didn’t have to process what I didn’t have to feel. I guess in some ways it was my way of taking drugs long before I started popping a pill. Disconnect my head from what was going on, then I could not get hurt more than I already was.

The best way to describe it, is that I feel like I don’t belong in my own body. There was this girl who had this entire existence for 21 years. She loved, she fought, she had all these amazing friends. She had all these experiences, some good, may not so good and then she just went away.  Don’t get me wrong there are flashes of her in my mind. People who made a mark on my life that I haven’t forgotten but then there’s the rest. A giant block of swish cheese in my fucking head. Holes in my memory so large they feel like chasms. People telling me stories, sharing memories and I have no connection at all to them. People that I dated, that I slept with, and I have no clue. I know there was time that I used sex as a way of coping. After the rape I was so traumatized I needed to feel like I was in control, like I had power again. But fuck if I remember with who or when or where. I only remember the feeling of needing to forget. To loose myself in being with another person if even for a night so that I didn’t have to live in my own head for a little while. I’m often terrified when I go home that I’ll run into someone I slept with and not have a clue that I did. How do you handle something like that? “Um hi did we ever have sex? Just need to get that out of the way before this gets ackward”. Or worse being with someone for months, and months, dating them, caring for them and not having a clue that I did. I feel like a fucking freak. How can I not remember? How can I not feel? Am I some sort of twisted monster who has no heart?

I’m sure this does not make sense to most anyone reading this. Hell, it doesn’t make sense to me most of the time! I often feel like I’m walking in some sort of fog, trying to find a light that will guide me through it to clarity on the other side. For the longest time I used a drug to avoid dealing with this. I could pop a little orange pill then poof! nothing to think about. I could eat and work and just be, no random thoughts, no obsessions, no fears. But now I’m clean. My brain is on full alert so to speak and all these questions, all these worries and thoughts are coming up and coming out and I often feel they are giant waves that will eventually pull me under and drown me if I can’t get away from them.

I don’t know if I’ll ever actually connect these two halves of me. I feel like my life is this huge puzzle with key pieces missing so I’m always forced to see only a partial picture. I guess that’s why I keep writing. If I can put things in black and white, then I can’t ever forget again. If I can sum up my feelings in words then I can reference them later. They don’t get a chance to go into that filing cabinet, their forced out in the open, where I have to deal and where I have to acknowledge their existence. It’s why I keep asking questions and sharing and talking. I keep hoping that eventually the pieces will start to fit. I want to get better. I want to remember who I was so that I can focus on who I am. Until them I’m stuck in this sort of limbo that is tolerable at best.

A few weeks ago I went to my OBGYN because I felt a small pea sized lump in my breast and this really weird large mass next to it. He sent me for a mammogram which was followed by a sonogram which was followed yesterday by a core biopsy. I have tried to maintain my composure and reassure myself that it is most likely fibrotic tissue, nothing to worry about and that everything is great. Today though as I sit and wait for the results I cannot help but play scenarios in my head. Even though the chances of their being something wrong are slim to none, it still gets inside your thoughts and does not go away until you know for sure. Below is just a brief little poem on what the waiting has felt like today.

Time has slowed to a crawl
It has dragged on minute by minute
hour by hour
My heart beats so fast in my chest
I find myself taking long and deep breaths to
slow it down.
So many What If’s run through my head
I am trying to stay positive
but I’m scared
I am trying to be hopeful
but I’m unsure
All I can do is wait
minute by minute
hour by hour
till that phone rings and
it is revealed whether
I should leap for joy
or crumble with sadness.

As we enter 2010 I encourage each of you to embrace your life and turn it into your own Adventure book. Every choice we make in our lifetime leads us to a new path. Following your passion, reconnecting with an old friend, making a new one, all these avenues open opportunities for new discoveries and accomplishments.

This past year for me in particular has been bittersweet. The death of my brother due to an accidental overdose opened wounds and doors that I did not realize existed. Getting clean from my own prescription drug addiction and realizing how much I had lost out on during my 6 years of living in my head was earth shattering. Major events with outcomes unexpected that took me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Some days it seems as if I am still on that ride, falling and rising waiting for it to end. On those days though I remind myself that the ride truly never ends. We are all riding our own personal roller coasters, going through good times and bad times.  In the end, however, it is up to us to cower in fear till the next drop or we can choose to throw our hands in the air and go with where the ride takes us next.

Happy New Year to each and every one of you my friends. Choose wisely and remember your next adventure is just around the bend, enjoy where it takes you.

Rocky is one of my pet rats. He has been with me since he was 2 months old and abandoned in a shoe box along with his 4 brothers. I took all 5 of them in and over the last 3 years have sadly watched them one by one succumb to old age and illness. Three of his brethren have passed this year. Rocky and SpideyRat are the only 2 remaining.  Some might immediately think, your kidding right? pet rats? but over the last 7 years I have learned more about myself and human nature in general raising rats than many other things. You see rats are a lot like people. Often misunderstood, maligned, even discounted outright because they do not fit a traditional mold or sensibility.

My passion for these intelligent and sweet-natured animals began 6 years ago when I walked into a pet shop and out of curiosity put my hand into one of the cages. Suddenly out of the blue this curious, sweet, gentle baby crawled right into my hand with no fear, and up my shoulder where he immediately and promptly licked my ear. That day my first pet rat named Patches came home with me. For almost 4 years he and his subsequent brothers where a source of amusement, joy and love for me.

When Patches became ill with cancer, it became clear that my heart had been touched in more ways than I had ever realized. He fought so hard to stay with us. Putting him to sleep was beyond difficult, it quite truly broke my heart. As the years progressed I had other pack members, yet none seemed to have that connection that my first sweet little boy Patches and I had.

That was until Rocky came along. He looked like his twin, the same long black streak down his back, the same need to cuddle, to lick my fingers, sit on my lap. Now sadly that same long vigil has started once again. As I held Rocky in my arms last night and tried to help him find some relief, I realized that his time is coming to an end. My heart is heavy with the idea of his loss and I know my house will be a little less vibrant without his sweet and caring energy. I am, however, so grateful for the time I have had.

It is a funny thing I guess to eulogize a rat, but when you think of it, in many ways we all go through a “rat” phase in our lives. We find ourselves misunderstood, or encounter those who may not like us because of our looks or beliefs. We run into situations where a single glance, or preconceived perception of what is right and acceptable automatically keeps us out of a situation on sight. I think though that it is what we do when we have a “rat” experience that determines who we become in the long run. Like my Rocky, many have been shocked or fearful of him on sight, yet he never,ever stopped loving, caring or changed his personality.  So Rocky my sweet boy, this post is for you. You are the perfect example of looking beyond the surface to see what is beneath. Putting aside prejudice and misconceptions while seeking the truth and providing love without condition. Here is to you my pet and to the “rat” in all of us. May we always rise above what we encounter and find our way into the light in the end.

This post tonight is a bit of  a ramble but I wanted to get out my thoughts before they went into that netherworld I call my mind! Sorry in advance!

So tonight I watched this fascinating documentary on those who believe in Evolution vs. those who believe in Intelligent Design. It really got me thinking and I thought I would share some of my thoughts while they where still fresh in my mind.

I’ll start by speaking of the religious or creationist side of the debate. I do believe that there is something greater than ourselves that is beyond our ability to understand. I think that faith is what helps us get through life from day-to-day, the concept and comfort that perhaps this long path we call Life has reason.  Where I do not follow the mold, however, is the concept of putting a single specific name to what that might be. Some of us call him God, others Allah, others Jehovah. I think though what it comes down to in the end is that we all, regardless of our specific beliefs are seeking the very same thing, meaning and understanding for our existence.

On the evolutionist side, however, there is much argument to prove that we did indeed evolve. I cannot deny science that proves we’re seperated genetically from Chimpanzees by only 1%. I cannot deny the existence of dinosaurs or the almost daily news reports of a new species of animal having been discovered yet again. Without science the very accomplishments humanity has made would have come to a stand still so long ago.

I wonder, however, why there is not room for both. After all since the beginning of time it has been in our very natures to question, to learn, to grow. Think back to 10, 20, 40 years ago, the accomplishments and breakthroughs brought by each new decade seemed like dreams in the decade before. Science has driven us, faith has sustained us. They are opposing sides of a coin but the one side in many ways completes the other. I have to believe that  both have merit, have value, and deserve respect. After all fanaticism on either side only leads to the spread of more hate, more hurt, and more ignorance on everyone’s part.

In my every optimistic view on life, would it not be great if rather than tearing each other apart for what makes us different, we instead took the time to embrace what makes us the same. Our need to grow, to learn, to have hope in a better tomorrow. Regardless of what “side” of the coin you fall on, I like to think the middle is a much nicer place to meet.

I am not advocating to not celebrate Christmas or not buy your child what they ask for. After all there is a magic that comes with seeing the joy on their faces and the light in their eyes. I do advocate, however, in teaching our children the value of giving back and giving too those who may not be as fortunate as ourselves. Below are 5 simple things that you can do today, tomorrow or anytime before Christmas, to give you kids the ultimate gifts this year. The gifts of understanding, compassion and altruism. These truly embody the Spirit of Santa and teach our children what the holidays are about.

• Every city has a local Children’s Home, a place where primarily tweens and teens who are orphans live year round. Many of them are often forgotten during the holiday season because of their age. Call your local home and ask for the names of 1 or 2 kids there who are not going to receive a gift this year.   You will be amazed at how little these kids truly ask for. One year our ‘group’ asked only for socks, body spray and deodorant! Set aside $20 of your holiday money and get them so basics and maybe a little extra treat like a CD or a basket with lotions etc…. Your children and you will feel so good about brightening someone elses day.

• While out and about with your children take $3.00 and convert it into change. Tell them that their ‘mission’ today is to put all of their change into the donation baskets they will see around town. Make sure you get dimes, nickles, quarters etc…for a younger child this will seem like an awful lot of money and they will feel so good as they spread Christmas cheer throughout the day giving donations.  Use this opportunity to talk to them about the kettles, collections jars and let them know what these programs do for others.

• We all have them, old DVD, vidoes and children’s books sitting around our house. Did you know that the children’s ward of the hospital is ALWAYS looking for these items to restock their libraries?  Gather your kids and a box of your kid appropriate movies and books and make a trip to your local hospital. Get in the spirit and wear Santa hat’s as you play helper for the day while delivering your gifts. This is something that will be enjoyed year round and it does not cost you a penny to do!

• Have a Card making party this weekend with your child and their friends. Let them make cards not only for Christmas but for every day in general. Take a trip to a nursing home, a hospital or VA and deliver your Spirit of the Holiday messages. They can be distributed throughout the year and is a gift that costs only your time and the purchase of some crayons and paper.

• Give each child a $5.00 limit and take them to your local Walmart, Kmart etc… allow them to select one toy within their limit and purchase it themselves. Next take them to the closest Toys For Tots drop off box and allow your child to place the item in the box. They will feel so grown up and good about themselves for having given to someone else.