Confessions of a Dreamer
Felt like writing again tonight so I thought I would share a little more about how addiction to prescribed drugs has affected me over the years.
A friend of mine and I where discussing a situation with a family member of hers who is also being treated for ADHD. Here is my response to her about my experience with Adderal
Over the course of 5 years I became a full blown addict and went from 25 mg a day to being able to take almost 200 mg a day to feel what I thought at the time was “normal”. Before I started the drug I weighed roughly 125 pds, at my lowest weight over the years I’ve weighed anywhere between 87 to 89 pds with my weight staying roughly around 92 for the past 6 years or so.
Besides the medication indued aneroxia (I only ate once a day and spent the rest of the day drinking coffee and chain smoking) I also began showing signs of Bi-Polar disorder. Since my mother has this I was convinced that the doctor was correct and began taking heavy anti-depressant medications on top of the adderral. I’ve been on Clonadine, Serequel, Cymbalta, Lorazepam, Prozac and several others.
I was told a I was bi-polar about a year ago and honestly believed I was. I had massive mood swings, paranioa, never left the house, stopped doing business or became completely obssessed with being on the computer and would spend 12 to 15 hours a day basically accomplishing nothing. I lost all of my friends and alienated family members in the process. What doctors do not tell you is that Aderral is essentially a legal version of speed.
Getting off the drug was absolutely the hardest thing I have EVER done. A visit to the local addiction recovery center made things 100 times worse. After being informed that they could not treat me as an out patient and wanted me to stay for 30 days, I really ended up losing it. I became suicidal and figured that my children and husband, hell anyone would have to be better off than dealing with me the way I was at that moment.
The drive home from that appt was the beginning of turning point. As I drove over our bridge I could not shake the absolute desire to drive my car off the railing and be done with it. Thankfully my logical side won out and I made it home hysterical and a mess but I was alive and I knew then and there that I had to get strong and fight for my recovery.
It never dawned on me that a little pill that my doctor willing gave me every month could turn me into such a desperate monster seeking her next pill. Thankfully I never resorted to using anything illegal or purchasing it illegally but I can’t guarantee that if I had I stayed on it for a longer period of time that it would not have ended up that way eventually.
In the last 3 months, I’ve gained weight ( I’m at 97 which does not seem like a lot but having dealt with a sort of psuedo anorexia I am still struggling with being at this weight) started leaving my house again and started reaching out to friends again, and oh yeah all those “bi-polar” symptoms are also completely gone!
If I had known 5 years ago what I know now I would have never started taking the drug. I know my experience may be unique only to myself but for me at least, Adderal was the devil cloaked in orange, and I am so glad I’m finally on the road to being able to ignore his tempation.