Confessions of a Dreamer
This is my story today and what I am growing through as I am struggling day by day to get my life back on track and to hopefully find myself again. I am a brutally honest writer and this particular post covers a rather sensitive topic that I am going through. I hope it doesn’t gross anyone out, I just promised myself that I would be as open and honest as possible to help with my own recovery and to perhaps encourage others who might suffering in private to know it is ok to reach out when you need it
Life has not always been easy for me over the years but I am working each day to make it better. While I have found my life’s passion by becoming a self-taught graphic design and photography manipulation specialist, I have also struggled for years with addiction to an amphetamine based ADHD drug called Adderral. It has wreaked havoc on my personal and professional life and each day is a slow (and sometimes) painful step towards recovery. Throughout the process, however, I have learned that their is much love in my life and that goes a long way towards helping me heal. The sad part is that while I am indeed a text book case of ADHD I continued to use the drug and eventually became an addict for a completely different reason. As you can see from the photo attached that picture is not me when I was pregnant with my daughter or my son but me 2 days ago an hour after eating!
I have a disease called “Lazy Colon Syndrome” which essentially does not allow my colon to eliminate waste on a regular basis. I have already endured a 7 hour surgery to correct my problem and now have a permanent piece of my colon called a stoma on the outside of my body. Unfortunately the surgery only took me from once every 2 months to perhaps twice a month of being able to eliminate waste from my system so once I started Adderall and the pain and bloating went away I truly thought I had found some crazy sort of miracle drug. I ate once a day because my hunger was gone and then I didn’t have any pain so in some ways it was easy to justify staying hooked even though somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I was trading one evil if you will for another.
<b>Now that I am in my 2nd month off of all the drugs the same painful, daily struggle has started once more. I eat a meal and for 3 hours I look like I’m ready to have a baby. </b> Every day it has gotten progressively worse because (and forgive me here I know this is not a pretty topic) but if the waste in your system can be eliminated normally it is like taking a damn that is already backed up and adding more and more wood to it. It’s painful and makes me feel so ugly. I’ve had several days over the last few weeks where I have been desperate to go back on the drugs if only to have my body stop rebelling against me. I have recently decided to try to go the holistic route and am starting an intensive 30 day system cleanse while I wait to see my GI dr at the end of July. Every day right now is a personal struggle to try to avoid the temptation I have to find a new Dr. to prescribe me more ADHD meds just so that I don’t have to feel like this. Well my hands are tired (lol) so I’m going to stop here for now but I do want to publicly thank my husband and children for being so understanding and for not being ashamed that I have chosen to so publicly share my experiences. I have always used writing as my way of healing and I do not know if I could continue to stay strong or focused if I didn’t have this outlet. I cannot express how much I also appreciate the feedback and support that I have received from my friends here both old and new. I LOST SO MUCH over these last 5 years as I slipped further and further into my own world. I do not know where each day is going to take me next but I DO KNOW that with the continued support of my friends and family I am going to be able to handle it no matter what is around the corner.