Confessions of a Dreamer
My brother Ruben died on Sept. 21 in his sleep at the age of 31. I have been struggling the last few weeks on how to process and deal with his death. Like me he too had an issue with prescription medications, his choices where pain killers (downers) while mine where speed (uppers). We where only 2 years apart but truth be told we may as well have been 50 years apart. As children we grew up fairly close yet as adults….well like many families we drifted till what we had left was a blood tie and sadly little else. We spoke occasionally and e-mailed when we could but it was never quite the same once we became adults. I know my brother knew I loved him. I know my brother loved me. Knowing these things, however, and making a concerted effort to show them on a daily basis are two completely separate stories. I had not seen my brother since the day I got married over 7 years ago. Below is a little of what I wish I could have said to him.
It’s only been a few weeks since you left us, yet somehow it feels like years. It’s only been a few weeks since I touched your face. It’s only been a few weeks since I held our grandparents tight and reminded them of how much you loved them. I am trying so hard to grieve the way a sister should, yet every time I try my anger gets in the way. Why you? Why now? Just why? All these questions left unanswered all these emotions swirling around with no end in sight. How come I was able to get clean and you could not? Why was my life spared and yours taken away? We both made bad choices, we both took chances, yet every day I wake up with a chance to start anew, your chances are all gone. I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND.
You where my brother, yet a stranger at the same time. We grew up in the same home, yet we where worlds apart. So I have a few things I want to say to you that should have been said long, long ago:
I have always been proud to be your sister. I don’t think I ever told you enough how brilliant I thought your music was, or how your art inspired me. I do not know if I told you enough how beautiful your daughters are and how proud I am to be their aunt. I do not know if I told you enough period. I focused so often on the negative that I usually forgot the positive, for that I am truly sorry. I know none of this changes what happened and that when I wake up tomorrow and the day after that you will still be gone. They say hindsight is 20/20, I don’t think I ever truly understood that phrase until now. I just wanted you to know what I was feeling. I just wanted you to know that I love you, and for the rest of my life I will never take the one’s left for granted again. Sing on my brother…..You are dearly missed.