Life of Becka

Confessions of a Dreamer

Driving in the Rain

Today I did something I never thought I would do. I drove my son to and from the dermatologists office in the rain! Now this might sound silly to some but up until 6 or 7 months ago the prospect of driving in the rain (or snow) was absolutely terrifying to me. During the course of my abuse of ADHD medication I also developed an increasing sense of dread, fear and paranoia.

For the longest time I thought, as did my doctors, that I was showing the early signs of Bi-Polar disorder. I even took anti-anxiety meds like Prozac, then moved on to harder stuff like Cymbalta once my doctors and I agreed that it was the beginning of this disorder. Little did they know how out of control my Aderall addiction had become. Little did I know that amphetamine abuse can cause symptoms of mental illness over a long period. I was always nervous, agitated, going from extreme periods of energy to devastating times of depression and lethargy.

If felts as if my biggest fear was coming to fruition. My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic with bi-polar tendencies. Mental illness was always on the top of my “Ten things I never want to have list” and as the years progressed it felt like I was slowly slipping into a familiar pattern.

About a month after I stopped taking all medications I started to notice that slowly the fears that had consumed me where going away bit by bit. At first it was little things like not jumping every time the phone rang, wanting to have the blinds open in the house and the sunshine stream in. Little by little  the shackles that imprisoned me are coming undone. Don’t get me wrong, I love the comfort and safety of my own home more than anything in this world. I stay in it way more than I should, but the simple act of getting into my car without a knot in my stomach and my heart in my throat is indescribable. I am starting to realize just how much I had lost out on these last few years. How much I miss doing basic things that most of us take for granted.

I know I have a long way to go. You don’t get off any kind of drug and miraculously go right back to where you where. There is a feeling though that I have not had in some time. Hope. Hope that each day will get a little better. Hope that I will be brave enough to venture further and further out my front door. Hope that someday I will fully reclaim my life and all the fears and challenges and depression that was once a part of my day-to-day life will continue to feel more and more like a dream that was.

8 comments on “Driving in the Rain

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Driving in the Rain « Life of Becka --

  2. beyondtheendoftheroad
    November 20, 2009

    What seems like trivial accomplishments to some are monumentous to others.
    Keep it up!!

  3. @marymac
    November 20, 2009

    I love your honesty.
    I wanted to say THANKS for coming over and leaving a LOL comments on Pajamas and Coffee! I appreciate you stopping by and hope I’ll see you again!

  4. Dave
    November 20, 2009

    Congratulations on even just a little milestone! I’m sure you will continue on that path, with little triumphs that build into big ones.

  5. Alex (iwalkdevon)
    November 20, 2009

    More congratulations 🙂

    I met someone recently who’s milestone was adding milk to their coffee. I know to many people such little things seem ridiculous or pathetic, but our challenges are as unique as we are.

    Thank you for sharing your story. i am looking forward to reading more!

  6. Kathy Frysinger
    November 29, 2009

    Good for you Becca. I am really proud of you. Where you came from and where you are heading is just wonderful. It’s not an easy road but you sure sound like you know what you want and your working real hard at it. Keep up the good work and don’t give up. Reach out to someone even if it’s us bloggers, whenever you need to just talk. I am so proud of you and I look forward to reading your continued success.

  7. Sara G.
    December 1, 2009

    Wow! What a website. You have a real knack for making a blog readable and easy on the eyes. Some sites look like train wrecks, but not this one – it’s a pleasure to read. I am always interested in reading other sites about treatment for addiction, they give me a lot to ponder. I don’t have time to read all the information here right now, I found this site when looking for something else on Yahoo, but I’ve bookmarked your homepage and will check back soon to see the latest news. I really appreciate you having this website. As someone who has fought an addiction myself, I have started a site devoted to data about it. Click here if you’d like to check out my site. Have a great week!

    • lifeofbecka
      December 14, 2009

      Thank you for your kind words and for reading my blog. I like to joke that this is the time in my life where I can use my words for good instead of evil! hehe I so appreciate people like you who take the time to stop by and read my writing, it truly means a lot!

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