Confessions of a Dreamer
So my husband and I now have a running joke that aliens must have come in the night and replaced me with a new model! The last few weeks I have undergone some massive, positive changes. I’ve started exercising again, doing housework every day, basic things that frankly I took completely for granted during my addiction. It is hard to explain but I feel in some ways that I am undergoing some weird metamorphosis. The clearer my head gets the more motivated I become to take care of things that before I never really gave a second thought too.
During the years that my addiction to Adderal progressed I became more and more obsessed with my creative side. Designing for hours on end, sometimes for days, forgetting everything around me as the ideas took hold and needed to be expressed. I would sometimes start a project at 6 in the morning only to realize that 5 hours had passed and I had not eaten, or gotten up from my computer for the entire day. Forget about getting dinner ready or doing laundry, I could not be bothered with such trivial things while the art was speaking to my head.
Over the last few months I have sadly lost some of my creative spark. In all honesty I mourn it with a passion. It was one thing in my life that motivated and inspired me for years. The funny thing is the ‘mojo’ that drove my designs has slowly been portioned out to other areas of my life. For instance my writing. When I was a little girl I would fill notebooks with my stories, poems and journals. As I grew up it was a passion that I maintained with a force. Eventually I lost it as I did my friends, my closeness to those I love and so much more.
Within a year of discovering Adderal, my priorities and desire shifted drastically. Somewhere along the line I discovered a passion for computer graphics and the inspiration shifted to creating paintings and logos and banners. I was damn good at it too. A one woman advertising company I worked with over 500 companies and people in the span of 4 years. I did a Presidential campaign, had a client who was featured on Oprah, and worked with people the world over. This drive though came at a very high cost. I put aside my writing and my desire to keep up my house and interact with my kids and husband in the pursuit of that ever elusive next job that would get my name on the map and let the world know I had arrived.
Hours turned into days then months, sometimes forgoing sleep for 2 days straight all with the aid of my little magic orange pill. Never mind the damage to my health, the leg cramps so violent at night that I woke up crying or going for days at a time eating one small meal. Never mind the subsequent anorexia and my weight dipping to 89 pds. I did not see the frail, sickly looking girl that others saw. I saw a woman in her 30’s who still fit into juniors clothing and who could rock a bikini in the summer. I abandoned real quality time with those I loved to spend more time in my head. Back then it seemed inspired, now it is just sad.
Over the last few months as I get further and further away from my addiction and my brain starts to heal, I am finally coming back to the woman I used to be. I am rediscovering my love for writing, my passion for cooking, my wish to spend time with those I love. I know in my heart I cannot take the last 5 years back and I know it will take a long time before my family can come to terms that this is the real me and the stranger they knew for the past 5 years is slowly fading into the shadows. Until then I am content to continue on my journey of self-discovery and laugh along with my husband as we try to figure out if the aliens will ever return the wife he had gotten used too for all those years.