Confessions of a Dreamer
I was thinking this morning on when I was younger and what little I can remember of it. The one thing that stands out to me was how often I changed who I was to fit in with who I was with. My older sister said it best when she said I was like a chameleon. I changed the way I spoke, the way I dressed, the way I thought just to fit in. It was almost like being a vase that was constantly drained and filled with new flowers to suit whatever season or display was in at the moment.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten more and more comfortable with the real me. The one who is opinionated, funny, passionate, loyal and kind. I’ve learned to that to exist without the mask and to show the world the me underneath is so much nicer than constantly trying to remember “who” I need to be for a certain setting.
With this I have found a freedom, a sense of liberation. As a girl, I was literally puppy like, following people around, desperate for them to like me, because frankly I didn’t like myself. Through their validation I felt somehow more complete, more real. If I couldn’t like me, well gosh darnit if others did then perhaps I mattered.
Of course now I realize how futile that was. In the end it didn’t matter if these people like me or not. The truth was those who where my real friends, the ones who truly loved me, saw past all the bullshit anyway. The saw down to the scared little girl who hated her looks, her personality, herself. Despite all that they loved me. Perhaps one of the reasons they are still my friends today is cause they realized a truth I never had, that one day, with time, I would love me too.
It has been a long time coming but today at the age of 36 and I can look in a mirror and say I love me. I love my crooked teeth, and my too big eyes. I love that I can make people laugh and that at 5′ tall I tower over my mom and grandma. I love that my skin is too white, my hair too straight, and that my laugh is loud and strong. I’m visible! I matter and damnit you know what? I’m worth it!
It feels good after years of blending in to finally just stand out. To say this is me. It’s who I am. Accept me for what I offer right here, right now. No more masks, no more games, just a girl who finally after many, many years is happy to be herself.