Confessions of a Dreamer
For most of my life I felt invisible. Not in the literal sense of course but in the sense that I was drifting through life never really being seen or heard. A thread in the patchwork but of no real value. I gave my body freely to whomever wanted it, not out of some need for sex but out of a need to feel like I was seen if only for a moment.
I was spending the majority of my teen and young adult years looking everywhere but inside for the self worth and self esteem I so desperately craved. Eventually I stopped sleeping around for validation because I just learned how to wear a better fitting mask. Act like I had it together and no one would be the wiser. Inside though I still felt so small and vulnerable and so incredibly insignificant.
Eventually I met my husband James and for the last 11 years I’ve had everything I wanted. 4 fabulous kids, a beautiful home and this incredible man who saw me and loved me beyond measure, yet….until recently I was still wearing my mask. It didn’t matter what I looked like on the outside, on the inside where it counted I still felt undeserving and unworthy. That same meek little girl who felt this life should belong to someone else.
Something has changed though recently as I’ve begun to conquer my fears and to forge ahead. For the first time ever I am truly starting to see me the way that he and others have. That I’m worthy. I’m not useless. That I have something to offer this world even if it’s just by impacting one other person.
I never really believed that till now. I always spent my time waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath and for this life, my life, to go to the person who really deserved it.
But now I know, I’m not invisible anymore. Not because others are seeing me but because finally, finally, I see myself. I have found that elusive self esteem that I’ve been chasing after all my life. It wasn’t found through sex or a man or a friend or even a pill. It was found by believing that I have value. That I have worth and that I have something to offer. It’s a pretty great feeling and I’m so glad that even if it took till now that I can finally say I love me.