I was thinking this morning on when I was younger and what little I can remember of it. The one thing that stands out to me was how often I … Continue reading
My entire life I’ve felt like an ugly duckling. This plain Jane that no one really noticed. All my friends were these beautiful Latina women with the dark skin and … Continue reading
My name is Rebecca Lynn and I am an addict. I’ve been one since the age of 15. Everyone assumes that addiction is only about drugs. That’s not true. For … Continue reading
I’ve written poems before on what it is like to have most of your memories gone because of PTSD. Lately I have been feeling very worn down with not being able to remember. It is heart wrenching at times to have friends tell you of the things you did together and have absolutely no clue that it ever happened. This is just another way of trying to express what it feels like sometimes.
A few weeks ago I went to my OBGYN because I felt a small pea sized lump in my breast and this really weird large mass next to it. He sent me for a mammogram which was followed by a sonogram which was followed yesterday by a core biopsy. Below is just a brief little poem on what the waiting has felt like today.
Before I, or he knew what was happening our e-mails began turning more and more hopeful, wishful, full of promise. By the second time I saw him a month later, I was completely head over heels, by the third time I saw him, I said yes when he proposed to me on the same beach where we had met 3 months before. Two months later I packed all my worldly possessions into two boxes and shipped them to IL. Next I packed myself and two children onto an airplane to start our new life.
This year has perhaps been one of the hardest of my life. There are days where I miss the old me the one who popped a pill to forget, to function, to get through each day. Then there are days where I am filled with endless optimism and hope. Recovery from any kind of addiction is a life long process. It is the greatest struggle of all, the one you fight within yourself.
During the years that my addiction to Adderal progressed I became more and more obsessed with my creative side. Designing for hours on end, sometimes for days, forgetting everything around me as the ideas took hold and needed to be expressed. I would sometimes start a project at 6 in the morning only to realize that 5 hours had passed and I had not eaten, or gotten up from my computer for the entire day. Forget about getting dinner ready or doing laundry, I could not be bothered with such trivial things while the art was speaking to my head.
Living with ADHD is similar to what the Energizer Bunny would probably be like in real life. Always moving and thinking, drifting from one idea, concept, and thought. It is starting 5 projects and completing none. Feeling the need to read 3 books at once. Constantly searching for an off switch that does not exist. This is a small poem that reflects how I feel some days when my thinking is chaotic at best.
You don’t get off any kind of drug and miraculously go right back to where you where. There is a feeling though that I have not had in some time. Hope. Hope that each day will get a little better. Hope that I will be brave enough to venture further and further out my front door. Hope that someday I will fully reclaim my life and all the fears and challenges and depression that was once a part of my day to day life will continue to feel more and more like a dream that was.