During the years that my addiction to Adderal progressed I became more and more obsessed with my creative side. Designing for hours on end, sometimes for days, forgetting everything around me as the ideas took hold and needed to be expressed. I would sometimes start a project at 6 in the morning only to realize that 5 hours had passed and I had not eaten, or gotten up from my computer for the entire day. Forget about getting dinner ready or doing laundry, I could not be bothered with such trivial things while the art was speaking to my head.
This is about an incident that occurred last night with my 17-year-old daughter. While she did come home safe and sound the hours that passed while we waited felt like a lifetime. I want to write it all down in effort to express the sheer terror that goes through a parent’s mind when they do not know where there child is, even if it is only for a short time.
You don’t get off any kind of drug and miraculously go right back to where you where. There is a feeling though that I have not had in some time. Hope. Hope that each day will get a little better. Hope that I will be brave enough to venture further and further out my front door. Hope that someday I will fully reclaim my life and all the fears and challenges and depression that was once a part of my day to day life will continue to feel more and more like a dream that was.
This is my story of dealing with a gang rape when I was a young girl. It is only now as a grown woman that I am able to write about and acknowledge what happened to me as a teenager. I spent many years denying and hiding what happened in an effort to forget and move on. Rape is not just a violation of your body, it touches your very soul, strips away a piece of you that you will never get back. This is my story, I hope it will let you know that you are not alone.
I write a lot of poetry, stanzas about my feelings, thoughts at certain times. I want to clarify that because I chose to share these so publicly does not in any way, shape or form, mean that I advocate or embrace anorexia, drug abuse etc… I am in recovery and very, very proud of it.
My brother Ruben died on Sept. 21 in his sleep at the age of 31. I have been struggling the last few weeks on how to process and deal with his death. Like me he too had an issue with prescription medications, his choices where pain killers (downers) while mine where speed (uppers).
I have a hate / hate relationship with food. I hate that I have to eat it, I hate that I actually need it. Every day it is the same routine. First I pop that glorious orange pill of mine that does nothing for my ADHD but works wonders on my appetite. Then I down 1, 2, 3 cups of coffee (I stop counting after a while) and chain smoke cigarettes until the afternoon.
If I had known 5 years ago what I know now I would have never started taking the drug. I know my experience may be unique only to myself but for me at least, Adderal was the devil cloaked in orange, and I am so glad I’m finally on the road to being able to ignore his tempation.
Life has not always been easy for me over the years but I am working each day to make it better. While I have found my life’s passion by becoming a self-taught graphic design and photography manipulation specialist, I have also struggled for years with addiction to an amphetamine based ADHD drug called Adderral. It has wreaked havoc on my personal and professional life and each day is a slow (and sometimes) painful step towards recovery.