This year has perhaps been one of the hardest of my life. There are days where I miss the old me the one who popped a pill to forget, to function, to get through each day. Then there are days where I am filled with endless optimism and hope. Recovery from any kind of addiction is a life long process. It is the greatest struggle of all, the one you fight within yourself.
During the years that my addiction to Adderal progressed I became more and more obsessed with my creative side. Designing for hours on end, sometimes for days, forgetting everything around me as the ideas took hold and needed to be expressed. I would sometimes start a project at 6 in the morning only to realize that 5 hours had passed and I had not eaten, or gotten up from my computer for the entire day. Forget about getting dinner ready or doing laundry, I could not be bothered with such trivial things while the art was speaking to my head.
You don’t get off any kind of drug and miraculously go right back to where you where. There is a feeling though that I have not had in some time. Hope. Hope that each day will get a little better. Hope that I will be brave enough to venture further and further out my front door. Hope that someday I will fully reclaim my life and all the fears and challenges and depression that was once a part of my day to day life will continue to feel more and more like a dream that was.
Just a poem regarding the feelings that hit me from time to time as I struggle with recovering from drug induced anorexia. Sometimes the battle between getting healthy and what my warped sense of what I should look like it a difficult one to fight. Like recovery from any addiction / illness it is a day to day struggle.